When You Aren’t Winning

It’s easy to move on. It’s easy to forget. When the success starts coming and the weight’s fallen off and the energy is back and the mood is lifted.

I had a conversation the other night that made me remember.

I remember when I wasn’t winning. When every event I had to find an outfit for was frustrating (usually ending in tears). When every night I was too tired and depressed to do anything to better my life so I sat in front of a screen. When I just wanted life to be easy but it felt so hard. When I didn’t like myself – not because of how I looked but because I was choosing daily to be someone I didn’t want to be. I was choosing the easy road to not workout, to not eat healthy, to not do fun creative things with my kids and just turn on the TV for them or numb my pain with sugar and carbs. I was BURNT OUT. I didn’t feel like I could do more, but I hated doing the bare minimum. I was in a fog. My goal was to survive the day without killing anyone (I’m not joking). I knew I was meant for greater things but I was too tired and frustrated with myself to try.

I’m not saying life isn’t still a struggle. I’m not saying that before I wasn’t winning now all I do is win. Yesterday was a pregnancy hormonal roller coaster (my poor husband)! But today is a new day. I KNOW what I’m capable of because I’ve fought my way out of those dark days, and when I see the darkness creeping in again, instead of throwing up my hands and resigning myself to surrender to it, I know I can fight it. I know I can wake up to a NEW day. I can make healthy choices, I can take the kids to the library, park, IKEA, Target, cut up some construction paper and get out some glue, I know I can hit play on a 30 minute workout and no matter how many interruptions I know it’s doing my body some good, I know that the fog that hovers over my mind and convinces me that it’s got to be complicated and it’s going to be too hard, is just a lie, and so I dive in and do my best anyway.

I am OVER living for perfection – working out 6 days a week – only eating organic everything – making my own yogurt and bone broth – I am embracing messy attempts at bettering myself, because perfection will never be me, but resignation to lazy- self-destructive patterns wasn’t getting me anywhere either. It’s not that I win all the time, it’s that I TRY all the time, and there’s some sort of magic in trying.

If you aren’t winning, if you don’t even have the strength or confidence to try, if you are in that fog, if you see my posts and roll your eyes because you just can’t…I KNOW that place. I haven’t forgotten. We all hit our rock bottom and we all realize our own strength at different times and in different ways, but let me assure you – there is a spark of the divine in you and that spark just needs to be fanned into a flame. It’s one gust of air away from burning brightly again.

I wish we could sit over coffee and I could blow on that spark, and show you how I see you, how those around you see you, how bright you shine – because I know with the sunglasses of self-doubt and the ear plugs of past failures on it’s hard to see things clearly.

So, this is my love letter to you – when you aren’t winning. Things aren’t as dark as they seem.

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Comments

  1. Yes. Like a million times. I know the word authentic may be a little overused right now, but it truly describes you, Vanessa. Thank you. You’re an inspiration and I wish we could sit and chat over coffee, too.❤️

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