This month is pregnancy and infant loss awareness month. I’ve been seeing posts on Facebook all month and yesterday was the official DAY to remember those infant and pre-born children who we have lost.
I almost wasn’t going to post anything at all.
I’m fairly open with my life on social media – I feel like if others can be encouraged by my struggles then I’m happy to share them. No one who meets me for more than 60 seconds is walking away thinking I’m perfect so why waste energy trying to be that way on social media?
But this is different. It’s so intimate and personal and painful and beautiful and I didn’t know how to process or write about it or share about it.
This morning I woke up and it was the first thing on my mind. That baby I never got to meet.
I’m thankful for the surge of joy I got at that pregnancy test. I learned how instant motherhood and a mother’s love is.
I learned how powerful the feeling of having a LIFE inside of you is.
I learned how devastating it is, watching bloody pieces of a human you loved exit your body. The violence, the emotional trauma, wondering if you did something to cause this, feeling so hopeless and insecure. Wondering if you’ll ever have the chance again.
I learned how tender the love of the Father is. How deep his healing can flow. It ran over me and down into the darkest, most damaged parts. It was gentle and pulled me, inch by inch, closer to The One who loved me more than I loved that baby and would NEVER leave me or forsake me.
I will never forget the child who first made me a mom or everything I learned in those short 8 weeks they were alive.